InvisibleMan

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What is a zebra?
A: 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a
tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

InvisibleMan

Dating Surprise.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the
girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't
you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they plan to do?
Probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "why
don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally,this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to
repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll
screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up,and
his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and
announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby
escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back
into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

InvisibleMan

Clinton's Dinner.

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his
regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The
fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The
President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was
the best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the
soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook,
but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went
okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the
time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the
state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught
sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even
worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so
disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door
that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror
that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his
knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president
whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook".
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

InvisibleMan

Murder

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there. "What happened?" asks the first officer. "Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail." "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?" "You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

InvisibleMan

ENGLISH LESSONS

Women's English:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]

Men's English:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
others
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay

InvisibleMan

Mastercard Commericial.

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
A Bottle of Dom and a Limo home: 125.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
Sending her on her way and never having to hear her complain:Priceless
For everything else.... There's MasterCard

InvisibleMan

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late.

Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mom is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her panties and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date.

The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room.

At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked." After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a glass of water over her behind."

"I see," says the girl, "What happened then?"

"Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid.'

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice. "It's easily explained. Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this ******* a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, screw him. I'm watching the match.'"

InvisibleMan

TRAVELING SALESMAN

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the
mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his Willie into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his dick which now had a button sewed on the tip.

InvisibleMan

If Microsoft Built Cars.
At a computer expo 1997? (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."GM release the following statement:
"Yes, but would you want car that crashed twice a day?"
The Above is true, the rest is fun! -Ed
If Microsoft Built Cars
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have
to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT" but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but
would only run on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would
be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the
door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they
neither need them or want them. Attempting to delete this option
would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50%
or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by
the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

InvisibleMan

One day, a man rubbed a lamp. A genie popped out of the lamp and said, "You have three wishes. I will grant whatever you wish for, but remember, every politician in the world gets twice as much as you wish for, so be careful what you wish for."

The man said, "that's easy! I want a million dollars."

A big pile of cash appeared in front of him. "Now, each politician has two million.

The man said, "never mind! I am happy as long as I have my million. Now, I want a Mercedes."

A red Mercedes appeared in front of him and the genie said, "Now, each politician has two of these."

The man was happier than ever. He thought about his last wish, and said, "You know, I have always wanted to donate a kidney..."