Funny Jokes ^Daily Update^

[HavEmOr]

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, ” she said.

[HavEmOr]

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, ‘What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!’

[HavEmOr]

After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
Calling “heads or tails” but never getting any. . . “head” or “tail”.
Players get “the wave”. . . refs get “the finger”.
Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
With Reggie White retired, the penalty for “Illegal use of a racial slur” is meaningless.

[HavEmOr]

There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a race, when they see an accident on the side of the road so they pull over! They go to help the victim, but they realize she is naked, so they take off their hats.
The first guy was a Earnhardt fan, and put his hat over her left breast.
The second guy was a Elliot fan, and put it over her right breast!! The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat over her crotch.

[HavEmOr]

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. ¡°These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,¡± one complained.
¡°These fairways seem to be getting longer too,¡± said one of the others.

[HavEmOr]

She didn’t get hit with the ugly stick, she was hit with the ugly log!
Kids dress up as her for Halloween!
She makes blind children cry!
You could stick her face in dough and it would make monster cookies!
I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door said “Thanks for bringing her back.”!

[HavEmOr]

A little boy runs across this man who has a truck load of cow manure and the boy asks him what he is going to do with all of that cow poop.
The man tells the little boy, ¡°I¡¯m taking it home toput on my strawberries.¡±

[HavEmOr]

At the start of English class, the teacher asked thestudents to use the word, definitely, in a sentence.
Little Timmy raised his hand. The teacher pointedand said, “Yes, Timmy, can you use the word definitely in a sentence?”
Little Timmy stood and said, “The grass is definitely green.”
The teacher shook her head and replied, “No Timmy, sometimes the sun is so hot, it browns thegrass, so the grass is not definitely green.”
Little Susie raised her hand and said, “The sky is definitely blue.”

[HavEmOr]

A young man arrives for a date with the farmer’s daughter with a very bad case of gas. The father opens the door and tells the young man to come in and take a seat, which happens to be next to the family dog and across from his date. The father sits on the other side of the room.
Conversation ensues and the young man feels one building up. Straining for control, he nonetheless let’s one squeak out.
(dry audible) phhheert!!!
The father looks over at the family dog and yells: “Duke!”

[HavEmOr]

Bernie goes to a grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Bernie to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Bernie goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week Bernie finds dog food at special prices.He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Bernie to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Bernie goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buythe dog food.